What’s YOUR Best Price?

SCENE 1

AN ODD MAN IS SAT AT HIS OFFICE. IT’S A SMALL, DIMLY LIT ROOM WITH A CALENDAR ON THE WALL CLEARLY DISPLAYING THE GYMNASTIC ABILITIES OF EMMA – FROM ESSEX – WHO IS, APPARENTLY, 21 AND ENJOYS RIDING. THOUGH HOW SHE QUITE MANAGES IT WEARING ONLY A BELT, A JAUNTY HAT WITH A WHIP LOOPED AROUND HER NECK IS BEYOND ME.

THERE ARE PLAYING CARDS STREWN EVERYWHERE. ON THE CORNER OF THE DESK IS A COFFEE CUP, DEEPLY STAINED WITH THE RINGS OF LONG SINCE PASSED CAFFEINATED BEVERAGES. THE CUP BEARS THE SLOGAN: “TRUST ME BABE: I ALWAYS USE A FULL DECK!”

A MUFFLED VIBRATION IS HEARD BEFORE THE TUNE OF BEYONCE’S “CRAZY IN LOVE” FILLS THE OFFICE. THE MAN SITS BACK IN HIS CHAIR, TILTS BACK HIS FISHER PRICE “MY FIRST BATMAN” MASK AND PRESSES “ANSWER” WITH HIS THUMB TIP…

‘Hello, Declan O’ Cards, Close up magician and magicial entertainer…’

‘Hi there. I’m looking for a great wedding magician to entertain my guests while my wife and I have our photos taken, and I was wondering what your best price was for two hours of magic please?’

‘My best price? Well, the best price I have ever got was £600! It was a for a massive corporate event and I’d never got that amount before, so I was really quite chuffed.’

‘No sorry, I didn’t mean that.’

‘What did you mean?’

‘I didn’t mean your highest price. I meant “Best Price”. You know? As in the best deal you could possibly do two hours for.’

‘Oh. So you meant “Cheapest Price”?’

‘Yes.’

‘So, not MY “Best Price”, but YOUR “Best Price”?’

‘Yes.’

‘So, you want to know what YOUR “Best Price” is for me entertaining your guests, making them laugh and smile while you relax and enjoy the photo period with your loved ones?’

‘Yes, please.’

‘Well, if it’s YOUR “Best Price”, why are you asking me?’

THE MAN SIGHS, GENTLY LEANS FORWARD AND PRESSES THE “CALL END” BUTTON. HE SLIPS ON THE BATMAN MASK AND TAKES A LARGE GULP FROM HIS CUP. AS HE DOES, A PLAYING CARD, THE ACE OF HEARTS, STUCK TO THE SOGGY BASE, FLUTTERS TO THE FLOOR…

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